Archive for the 'Penis News' Category

It’s Friday somewhere

Well, I haven’t done an all penis Friday in some time, but the following CNN headline caught my attention.

Five questions to ask before having penis surgery

Surprisingly, the article doesn’t discuss questions you shouldn’t ask before having penis surgery. You know, things like, “Hey doc, after I get this penis implant will your wife start returning my calls again?” or, “Are my genital warts edible?”

Such is the sorry state of modern journalism.

Wiener Day

I have to say, I’m greatly disappointed in the public response to the Anthony Wiener situation. The man sent pictures of his penis over the Internet to a private citizen. So what? This has nothing to do with the fact that he’s been a very capable politician and representative of his district.

I’m doubly disappointed by the lack of support from his fellow Democratic lawmakers. There seems to be a universal attempt to create distance between Wiener and his fellow Democrats. Now is the time that Democrats should be doubling down in their support for Wiener. I argue that every Democratic politician should take pictures of their genitalia and place it on the Internet. If one man does it, it’s a crime. But how can Wiener be prosecuted if the Internet is deluged by pictures of Democratic penises and vaginas?

Of course, support from his fellow lawmakers is not the only thing needed to save Wiener. Rank and file Democrats need to get into the battle. I propose that June 10 be labeled “Wiener Day.” On this day, Democrats can identify themselves and their support for Wiener by walking around with their genitalia exposed through the crotch of their pants (you see this quite often in pornography.) The message would be clear: if you’ve got a problem with penises, then you’ve got a problem with me! If a Democrat whose genitalia is exposed finds himself or herself in conversation with a person who is looking away, or trying to pretend they don’t see said genitalia, then I would argue the Democrats should grab that person by the scruff of her neck and force their face into the sexual protuberance.

I think this effort would have one very predictable effect. Republicans would decry the public display of penises and genitalia, but they would also feel that their manhood was being questioned. Shadowy insinuations would fly that Republican penises are smaller. As such, I think you would soon, um, members of both parties hanging free in the wind.

This is the only way we can move forward as a country.

Newsflash: women disgusted by pictures of penises!

So, it’s been a long time — too long really — since we’ve had it all penis Friday around here. And with the recent controversy over the possibility that Congressman Anthony, um, Wiener might’ve sent a unrequested shot of his manhood filled underwear, now seems like a perfect time to get back in the game.

But let’s take an intellectual view of the penis. Over at Salon, they’ve decided to analyze why men take crotch shots? As you might suspect, there is a hidden, unconscious evolutionary program involved:

Speaking of evolutionary sexual cues, cognitive neuroscientist Ogi Ogas points out, “Men who send off penis pictures probably aren’t thinking at all, they’re responding to an unconscious, evolutionary urge likely inherited from our primate ancestors: male monkeys and apes routinely display their penis (usually erect) to females to indicate sexual interest…

I’m a little curious about the success rate of monkeys who display a non-erect penis?

The piece digs deeper, questioning whether women appreciate our ape-ish urges.

The response to a call I put out on Twitter for women’s feelings on guys pointing a camera between their legs was one of total repulsion. Specifically, I asked whether these photos “do it” for them, and one tweeter responded, “If by ‘do it’ you mean ‘send me to the toilet retching,’ then yes, they do.” Another woman responded with “ick” and the hashtag “#thankgodimnodatinganymore”; and yet another tweeted, “Not at all. The penis is ugly. End of story.”

So the moral for today it is: don’t send women pictures of your penis. Boy, if they’d printed this article about 10 years ago it would’ve saved me a lot of trouble!

However, there’s nothing in here about not sending women a severed penis.

Can you experience orgasms in your foot?

I’ve just started reading V. S. Ramachandran’s “The Tell-Tale Brain.” Ramachandran is probably best known as the guy who figured out that you could treat phantom pain in amputees by rigging up a mirror system which made it look like their phantom limb was still part of their body. In the book he notes another interesting symptom of amputees. A person may lose their hand but still be able to feel hand sensation on parts of their face. Ramachandran explains this by noting that the somatosensory cortex in the brain — a strip of gray matter which perceives the sensation coming in from nerves in all parts of your body — groups neurons for the hand right next to neurons for the face. When these hand neurons are no longer being stimulated (because the hand is gone) they start to build connections to the neurons right next to them, the face neurons. The result is that the wires get crossed, so to speak, between the two parts of the body (one which doesn’t even exist.)

And this doesn’t just work for hands.

Finally, after amputation of the foot of another patient, sensations from the penis were felt in the phantom foot. (Indeed, the patient claimed that his orgasm spread into his foot and was therefore “much bigger than it used to be.”) This occurs because of another of these odd discontinuities in the brains map of the body: the map of the genitals is right next to the map of the foot.

It seems this could lead to a very misleading sensation for the patient: the notion that his penis is the size of his foot. It would therefore not be unexpected that he might approach women, pull out his foot sized (in his mind) penis and say something like, “how’d you like a piece of this?” I know this is something I would be tempted to do were I suffering from this illusion.

It does seem clear, however, that the most immediate task facing neuroscience is allowing us to have orgasms mapped over our entire bodies. (This is not unheard of. Many of the women I’ve slept with claimed I was able to achieve this function with them.)

A map unlike any other

Well, I’m still dealing with this cold, almost a month after it started, but I guess I can get back into the groove of blogging again.

Normally I would save this sort of thing for an all penis Friday, but it’s worthy of an advance preview: the penis size map. It’s a color-coded map which captures the average penis length of particular geographical areas. As you might expect, Asia comes up short (HAWHAWHAW!!!) I was surprised, however, to notice that Canadians are slightly bigger than Americans. But it should shock no one that Africans are long in the trousers.

Anyway, it’s a jolly good time for the whole family.

Cure impotence with spider venom!

Well, I haven’t posted an all penis Friday in a while, but I recently came across this interesting tidbit: spider venom could be used in impotence treatment.

A trove of potential drugs for conditions as diverse as impotence and arthritis could emerge from a study of venom from a potentially deadly spider.

Such news is of little interest to someone packing a granite missile, such as myself, but perhaps some readers will find hope. How exactly is it possible that spider venom could turn flaccid Frank into rockhard Ricky?

Prof Frank Schroeder and Prof Jerrold Meinwald of Cornell University, Ithaca, as reported in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, used a clever way to take a molecular snapshot of venom, without having to process it in any way.

They used a method called nuclear magnetic resonance spectroscopy, which studies the structure of molecules in the venom, and combined it with a method called mass spectrometry, which in effect weighs molecules.

“We show how using NMR spectroscopy for the analysis of a complex mixtures such as spider venom one can find new and entirely unexpected chemistry,” said Prof Schroeder.

“Our research shows that brown recluse venom contains important, previously undetected components that have been overlooked.”

Blah, blah, blah… Jesus Christ, only an egghead scientist could make the topic of using radioactive spider venom to give men 9 inch power schlongs sound so boring!

On an unrelated note, this link found on the same page, caught my eye: Teenage girl collapses and dies after first kiss.

Phantom phantom limbs

I’ve been thinking a bit about the phenomenon of phantom limb pain e.g. someone’s arm gets blown off in Iraq, yet three years later, they feel pain in that “arm.” Medical understanding of why phantom limbs pain occurs is still nebulous, but the basic idea is that the neurons in the brain whose job it was to pay attention to that arm are firing off incorrectly, possibly “confused” at the fact that they are no longer getting any sensory input.

But this opens up an interesting question: can you have phantom limb pain while still having a limb? By this, I mean, can you feel pain in a limb that is still there, but has no structural damage to explain the pain? Obviously I have no idea, but I’m reminded of an article I read years ago about a woman who had been a bit actress on the Fame TV show. She suffered some minor injury — a strained ankle or something — but the pain from that injury slowly radiated and increased over a decade. Eventually, a light touch on any part of her body would cause her pain. Obviously the pain circuitry of her brain had gotten out of control.

On the lighter side, this opens up an interesting idea for a short story. A man, confused about his gender, decides to undergo a sex change operation. The operation is successful, but he starts noticing a sensation of incredible pain in his penis (now missing of course.) Eventually he is confronted by a ghostly floating apparition — the “soul” of his penis. At the end, the phantom penis impales him in the heart and he dies. The moral would be that people should not have sex change operations.

The bigger question

One of the more important questions I feel science can tackle is whether women prefer bigger penises. (“The answer is an incontrovertible YES!” I recall an advertisement in an old Penthouse announcing. I tend to agree, but then I have reason to be biased in the matter.) It basically gets down to a matter of evolutionary psychology. Women are attracted to attributes that will help in their innate goal of replicating the genes for the next generation. For example, there was an interesting study noting that women are attracted to the smells of men who have a high immunity to diseases the woman herself is not immune to. Obviously mating with such a man would result in a child with a tendency to be immune to a lot of diseases, and thus have a greater likelihood of survival.

So what would the advantage of a large penis be? Well it’s take a look at your average hunter/gatherer female. She’s probably had sex with five or six guys today, and their spunk is currently swimming through her uterus. Along comes a guy with big schlong. He nails her, and because he’s bigger, ejaculates deeper in her vagina, thus his boys get to go to the front of the line, so to speak.

Okay, so we can totally see the advantage of a big penis from the guy’s point of view. But what’s the appeal to the woman? I argue that she sees a guy with a big penis, and realizes that any sons she has with him will have big penises, and therefore have a greater chance of giving her grandchildren e.g. replicating genes.

So, we should expect to see longer and longer penises on human males as they engage in a evolutionary game of one upmanship. Is it possible that within 100 years men will be dragging along 3 foot pythons which will have a tendency to get caught in nearby electrical sockets, waffle irons, staplers? I would argue that it is not only possible, but very probable.

Gore-y penis news

I’m personally dubious about this sexual harassment claim against Al Gore, but it is all penis Friday, and the story does have the word penis in it, so let’s run with it.

The Hollywood claim occurred at a hotel in 2007. In that claim, the therapist said they were alone and Gore shrugged off a towel and stood naked in front of her. According to x17online.com, the therapist said Gore pointed at his erect penis and ordered her to “take care of THIS.”

I sure hope she didn’t miss the obvious comeback: “take care of what?”

Exciting penis news!

Well, time to check in with the penis news of the week. Got some real beauties.

It turns out Britain is clamping down on penis party tricks.

A policeman who was sacked for opening a bottle of beer with his penis piercing – his ‘party trick’, apparently – is appealing to get his job back because he didn’t mean to offend anyone.

Sergeant Andrew Lawrance performed the trick during a police Christmas party, attaching a bottle opener to the piercing as fellow officers and their wives looked on.

The stunt backfired when someone made a complaint and Lawrance was fired from the New South Wales force.

Apparently, the episode might lead to a whole new career for the fellow.

According to Gawker, Lawrence – who now works part-time in an off licence – has been offered a job with the producers of Puppetry of the Penis, the Australian ‘genital origami’ specialists.

Also, helium has an article so absurd I can’t tell whether it’s supposed to be real. How having a small penis affects a male’s self-esteem.

A small penis may shatter a man’s confidence so much it interferes with leadership, credibility and ability to get ahead in the workplace. He may even have difficulties holding onto a job for any length of time. Inevitably, he will question his manhood, his masculinity, and his prowess in the bedroom.

This hindrance can prevent a man from being adventurous, aggressive, and incapable of being a good lover since society has dictated that a big penis is the favored size amongst women. Truth being, women are perfectly happy with the size of their partner’s penis, while the men themselves view their penises as less than the perfect size.

The article seems to miss the obvious point: if these small penis men aren’t having sex, they’re not passing on their inferior genes, leaving it up to masculine, Johnny Longfellows such as myself to sire the next generation.