Archive for the 'Penis News' Category

Exciting penis news!

Well, time to check in with the penis news of the week. Got some real beauties.

It turns out Britain is clamping down on penis party tricks.

A policeman who was sacked for opening a bottle of beer with his penis piercing – his ‘party trick’, apparently – is appealing to get his job back because he didn’t mean to offend anyone.

Sergeant Andrew Lawrance performed the trick during a police Christmas party, attaching a bottle opener to the piercing as fellow officers and their wives looked on.

The stunt backfired when someone made a complaint and Lawrance was fired from the New South Wales force.

Apparently, the episode might lead to a whole new career for the fellow.

According to Gawker, Lawrence – who now works part-time in an off licence – has been offered a job with the producers of Puppetry of the Penis, the Australian ‘genital origami’ specialists.

Also, helium has an article so absurd I can’t tell whether it’s supposed to be real. How having a small penis affects a male’s self-esteem.

A small penis may shatter a man’s confidence so much it interferes with leadership, credibility and ability to get ahead in the workplace. He may even have difficulties holding onto a job for any length of time. Inevitably, he will question his manhood, his masculinity, and his prowess in the bedroom.

This hindrance can prevent a man from being adventurous, aggressive, and incapable of being a good lover since society has dictated that a big penis is the favored size amongst women. Truth being, women are perfectly happy with the size of their partner’s penis, while the men themselves view their penises as less than the perfect size.

The article seems to miss the obvious point: if these small penis men aren’t having sex, they’re not passing on their inferior genes, leaving it up to masculine, Johnny Longfellows such as myself to sire the next generation.

Broken hearts, broken penises

What day is it? I said, what day is it? That’s right! It’s all penis Friday!

Today’s news item focuses on the delicate art of Jamaican daggering. What is daggering you ask?

A quick search for ‘daggering’ videos reveals (too) much about the dancehall craze. The style involves men and women aggressively dry-humping each other on dance floors and somehow calling it a dance style.

I’ve never been much of a dancer, but I might change my tune. You would think there couldn’t possibly be a downside to aggressively dry humping other people in public, but daggering is responsible for an increase in broken penises.

Representatives of some hospitals yesterday revealed to THE STAR that more men have been breaking their penises in recent months than any other time in Jamaica.

Really? Even more than the great broken penis epidemic of 1857? That is bad news.

But here’s the most shocking part.

One specialist in the field told THE STAR that broken penises have been coming into the Cornwall Regional Hospital more than usual since the start of the year.

Imagine that. The poor little guys are just walking to the hospital all by themselves.

Tut, tut

I was just reminded me of a strange dream I had last night. I walked into a comic book store and noticed that there were police all around. They seem to be fixated on one area of the floor, and I joked someone that that was probably where the safe had been. Apparently I was right, because soon they had me handcuffed and were questioning me. But somehow I talked my way out of it.

Anyway, it’s time for an All Penis Friday! Have you heard that King Tut’s penis is missing? Or more to the point, he didn’t have much of one to start with.

A letter published in the Journal of the American Medical Association suggests that Tut could also have suffered from Antley-Bixler syndrome, a genetic mutation that yields strange physical effects, such as elongated skulls and even under-developed genitalia.

However, as Marchant points out, Tut’s penis is no longer attached to the body. After some digging, Marchant was able to confirm that the king’s genitalia was attached to the mummy during its first unwrapping in 1922, meaning the postmortem castration likely occurred in modern times. Interestingly, Tut’s penis was declared missing in 1968 until a CT scan discovered it hidden in the sand that surrounded the mummy

This evidence has lead some to believe that Tut’s penis was swapped sometime after his body was embalmed, suggesting a conspiracy existed to save him from embarrassment of the locker room variety, even in the afterlife.

I hear chicks in the afterlife can be very cruel.