Van Anthony?

If you go here, you’ll see a picture of the current line up of Van Halen which include Eddie’s son, Wolfgang, who replaced former member Michael Anthony on bass. You’ll notice something – Wolfgang is a big kid, kind of chunky. That’s a little weird since Eddie is pretty small and Wolfgang’s mother, Valerie Bertinelli isn’t all that big. You start to wonder – where did Wolfie’s fat genes come from?

I started thinking about this today and it struck me. Ousted Michael Anthony is kind of a beefy dude. Could he actually be Wolfgang’s father? It might explain things. Say that not long ago Eddie discovers he’s been raising Anthony’s sperm as his own kid. He can’t completely disown the child but he needs retribution from Anthony. So he forces Anthony out and replaces him with his bastard son.

It all makes sense now.

4 Responses to “Van Anthony?”


  1. John Saleeby

    You ignorant person, Wolfgang gets his chubbiosity from his Mom, The Weight Loss Queen. He probably grew up while Valerie was at her chubbinist. They were probably Snack Buddies while Dad was drinking and drugging. Food may have been Valerie’s way of dealing with the stress of Marriage and Motherhood. I Love her.

  2. Wil

    I like my story better.

  3. John Saleeby

    Mine comes from a Warm Heart Full Of Love And Caring and that is totally alien to your cold blooded chitinous existence. Yeah, I said it – “chitinous”!

  4. TERRENCE


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