I mentioned that I’ve been some journaling as a way to essentially psychoanalyze myself. The idea is to look certain themes or behaviors that constantly appear in the course of my life.

Today I was thinking through my general fear and discomfort with deadlines and goal setting (which is just deadline setting.) I have always hated these things. Deadlines for work projects make me nervous; I don’t even bother setting deadlines for personal projects like music recordings because I know I’m going to miss them. I was talking myself though this and applied the term “claustrophobic” in relation to how deadlines make me feel.

A bell went off. I’ve had a few panic attacks in my life and they were always prompted by the sense of being trapped somewhere. The first one hit me when I got stuck in an elevator about 12 years ago. A couple weeks later I had one on a plane merely by thinking about how once the plane was in the air we wouldn’t be able to leave. Just as closed areas bind you to a certain space, deadlines bind you to a certain period of time. The are both constrictive. So maybe it’s really this larger notion of constriction I have trouble with.

I also have problems with suffocating relationships. When I come to the realization that whatever chick I’m with has a suffocating nature, I experience a panicky urge to get out of the relationship. Again, we have a common theme here.

A sensitive soul like me needs his freedom. A wide open schedule, wide open country and wide open vagina!