Pat Dollard’s War on Hollywood

I can think of a few articles on the web more deserving of the “must-read” category than this profile of utterly insane movie producer/porn drug addict/gonzo war journalist/hard-core conservative Pat Dollard. It’s incredibly long, but packed with a narrative and dialogue beyond anything Quentin Tarantino could dream up. I can’t begin to summarize it, but perhaps this little snippet of conversation between Dollard and his ex-wife will give you a taste.

“Have you talked to your mother?,” Megan asks. “You need to call her.”

“How’s that fucking bitch?,” Dollard says.

“You don’t talk about your mother that way.”

“Watch me—I just did. I just did.”

“Your mother is the most wonderful woman that I’ve ever met,” Megan says. “I want to punch you in the face right now.”

She sits up and inadvertently knocks over an ashtray concealed under the blanket on the bed. She leaps up, brushing ashes from her jeans. “This brings back memories,” she says, growing angry. “This is definitely why I left you.”

“You left because you’re a quitter,” Dollard says.

“I left because you are an alcoholic and you won’t get help,” Megan says.

“You didn’t stick around like Bill Wilson’s wife,” Dollard says, referring to the wife of the A.A. co-founder. “If Bill Wilson’s wife hadn’t stuck by his side when he was drinking there would be no A.A.”

“My husband was hiring hookers on my credit card—to buy coke [for him],” Megan says to me.

6 Responses to “Pat Dollard’s War on Hollywood”

  1. John Saleeby

    Good article, but too fucking long – I can only put up with so much of that guy. He’s an asshole, but I like him.

    It’s raining like Hell. I’m going to eat Chinese food for lunch and sit around reading this John Ford biography I bought used from Amazon for three bucks. It’s good, but too fucking long – I can only put up with so much of that guy. He’s an asshole, but I like him.

    I’m supposed to go to work tonight but, fuck em – I’m sick of those motherfuckers.

  2. Wil

    That’s what Pat Dollard would say.

  3. John Saleeby

    Maybe this John Ford bio is messing with my head, but this morning TMC showed “Big Jake”, one of those assembly line Westerns John Wayne made in his later days, and I really enjoyed it. Wayne was really funny in it. He was taking a shower in a Public Bath House and this Bad Guy walked up to shoot him but it turned out Big Jake had a shotgun in there with him and shot the guy through the wooden door. He wasn’t even naked! Before the Bad Guy came in he was in there making small talk with the Bath House Employee who was pouring water on him and when the Bad Guy came in the Employee jumped down to run out and turned out to be a MIDGET! This Movie had everything but Monkeys!

  4. Wil

    A good idea for Western would be a guy whose penis has been removed, so he replaces it with a prosthetic penis which is also a pistol. So some bad guy gets that guy naked, and says, “I know you’re unarmed now, cowboy!” And the guy says, “don’t be so sure.” Then he grabs his penis and pulls the trigger. But for some reason, the gun jams, so he just keeps fiddling with it. And the bad guy says something like, “look, I really don’t think this is the time or place for that sort of thing. Come on man… you’re ruining the whole mood of the moment.” But the cowboy just keeps trying to work his penis/gun. So finally the bad guy says, “forget it, I’m leaving. This is just disgusting.”

    That would be a good idea for Western.

    Maybe I could get Pat Dollard to produce it.

  5. John Saleeby

    That would be funny.

  6. John Saleeby

    Hey, I just found out that the Coen Brothers are remaking “True Grit” with Jeff Bridges in the John Wayne role. That could be good. I bet they’re doing the “Penis Gun” thing.