The final chapter in “This Is Your Brain on Music” looks into various theories about why man developed music. The theory that the author, Daniel Levitin, posits is that music evolved out of man’s mating rituals. Music started out primarily as drumming, accompanied by tribal dancing, which was a means for a male to show his fitness as a mate. He was essentially saying, “I’m healthy and have endurance and will be able to go on long hunting missions and bring back food for you.”

That might explain rhythm, but what about melody? Here, Levitan makes note of a study in which it was discovered that female birds ovulate more in the presence of male birds singing unusually complex songs (for a bird.) It’s theorized that these males are advertising their intelligence — “Look what I can do with this melody!” And, while it doesn’t always seem so, females value intelligence in a mate, because it aids survival. (Even before reading this book I extrapolated a bit on this theory myself in my piece “The Devil Paints” where I argued that art requires the same kind of intelligence that deception does.) Unlike birds, man is not limited merely to singing to display his musical abilities; he can play a variety of instruments as well.

No doubt my heavily mustached feminist readers are growing irate. “What about women?” they ask. If music exists merely for men to advertise themselves sexually why do women play music? I’d argue that men look for similar traits in women as women do in men: intelligence, physical fitness etc. and these traits can be shown in a woman’s musical talent. However, men don’t value these traits as highly as women — big boobs are more important. A virtuoso female violinist certainly raises her perceived value in the sexual contest. However, her “negatives,” say, being too old to give birth to children, or appearing particularly unhealthy, may outweigh her musical ability.

In many ways, what drove us to pursue music tens of thousands of years ago is still at work. I talk above about men advertising themselves during tribal dancing as if it’s some primitive ritual but, you can see the same thing in any disco. In fact, this prompts a realization about myself. I’ve never been much of a dancer, and during the rare occasion when a woman comes up to me and asked to dance, I usually say something like “I’m not much of a dancer.” I now see the real context of that conversation. The woman is stating, “I would like to give you an opportunity to showcase your genetic benefits to determine whether I should accept your semen into my vaginal orifice in the hopes of creating a child with our shared DNA.” And I’m replying, “I’m sorry, my semen is too inferior for your needs.”

I really need to learn how to dance.