If there’s one food product that you would presume to be pretty much the same even amongst different manufacturers, I think it would be turkey slices. It’s basically turkey with some kind of salt infusion — how can one taste any different from another?

However, today I tried some turkey slices from supermarket chain Fresh & Easy. They were astoundingly good. The best turkey slices I’ve ever had.

These turkey slices are so good that were I able, I would marry them. And after I had married the turkey slices, I would dedicate my life to ensuring that they were satisfied sexually and had the emotional support they needed to flourish in life. That is how much I love these Fresh & Easy turkey slices.

Of course, we live in a society where one cannot marry slices of turkey. In fact, our misguided notions of morality allow no formal recognition of relationships between man and any kind of sliced deli meat. Thus, I weep for us all.