Anyone who knows me knows that I’m about as far removed from these twee, Europhile, America basher types as you can get. Nonetheless, after returning from my recent European trip, I’m reminded once again that Americans are just insanely fat. Just the other day I was at Denny’s and behind me were two women who probably collectively came in at around a ton. It’s quite possible that my entire body could fit in the space that just one of their butt cheeks took up.

I was talking to a friend of mine about this last night. He mentioned an interesting point: Samoans and Hawaiians — a population of people also known for their vast girth — are thought to have created a culture that encouraged getting fat because they lived on isolated islands. If you ran out of food in ancient Hawaii you couldn’t just pack up and go explore the plains; you might have to live off your lard for a while. As a result, it made some sense to eat as much food as was available.

This got me thinking. Obviously obese Americans cannot realistically think that starvation is just around the corner. But, maybe on some subconscious level they do. Maybe after being exposed to decades of our paranoid media, cancer warnings pasted on innumerable products, and endless advertisements for medications for questionable diseases, the average American — stuck in a mode of simmering anxiety — does subconsciously feel like we’re on the verge of an apocalypse. Of course, ironically, we probably are on the verge of an apocalypse — an apocalypse caused by a generation of gigantic Americans becoming handicapped, immobile diabetics. When the culture does collapse and the only viable solution is cannibalism on a massive scale, who’s going to be the most tempting target? Svelte, good-looking ectomorphs such as myself or 400 pound hippos sitting on the couch, scarfing down Cheetos and watching Jerry Springer?

EAT, EAT, EAT!!!