Well, time to check in with the penis news of the week. Got some real beauties.

It turns out Britain is clamping down on penis party tricks.

A policeman who was sacked for opening a bottle of beer with his penis piercing – his ‘party trick’, apparently – is appealing to get his job back because he didn’t mean to offend anyone.

Sergeant Andrew Lawrance performed the trick during a police Christmas party, attaching a bottle opener to the piercing as fellow officers and their wives looked on.

The stunt backfired when someone made a complaint and Lawrance was fired from the New South Wales force.

Apparently, the episode might lead to a whole new career for the fellow.

According to Gawker, Lawrence – who now works part-time in an off licence – has been offered a job with the producers of Puppetry of the Penis, the Australian ‘genital origami’ specialists.

Also, helium has an article so absurd I can’t tell whether it’s supposed to be real. How having a small penis affects a male’s self-esteem.

A small penis may shatter a man’s confidence so much it interferes with leadership, credibility and ability to get ahead in the workplace. He may even have difficulties holding onto a job for any length of time. Inevitably, he will question his manhood, his masculinity, and his prowess in the bedroom.

This hindrance can prevent a man from being adventurous, aggressive, and incapable of being a good lover since society has dictated that a big penis is the favored size amongst women. Truth being, women are perfectly happy with the size of their partner’s penis, while the men themselves view their penises as less than the perfect size.

The article seems to miss the obvious point: if these small penis men aren’t having sex, they’re not passing on their inferior genes, leaving it up to masculine, Johnny Longfellows such as myself to sire the next generation.