Rescind the Second Amendment!

It’s been understood throughout the course of this country’s history that we as individuals have the right to defend ourselves from violence. This is perhaps best captured in the line in the Constitution that we have the “right to keep and bear arms.” As I reflect on the horrors of recent mass shootings, it becomes clear that the only way we can progress as a society is to reject this concept. If we are to maintain any semblance of civility, we need to do away with arms.

To be clear, I’m not talking about guns and weapons, I’m talking about arms as in the things coming out of your torso and connected your hands. Basically, what I’m proposing is a mass amputation of the arms of all 300 million Americans. I feel this will prevent future mass shootings of all types. Let’s say you don’t have any arms and you want to go shoot up a school. You walk up to the door, but you can’t pull open the door because you don’t have any arms to operate the doorknob. Even if, by some miracle, you managed to get into the building, how are you gonna operate your weaponry? With your teeth? I don’t think so, sicko!

I feel this program will lead to a much safer, happier America.

5 Responses to “Rescind the Second Amendment!”


  1. John Saleeby

    The problem is obviously bear arms. Cut all the bear’s arms off. They can’t play the piano worth a shit anyway.

    I lost my Comedy Writing Notebook! Tons of stuff for my podcast and all the stuff so far for my next Acid Logic article – GONE! My only hope is that I left it in the closet at work. And of course this did not happen until it was completely filled up. The very last bit of Writing I did was on the back of the very last page in the notebook. So tomorrow morning I will rush up to the Psych Ward, head straight to the closet, open it up, and a ten ton ACME weight will onto my head, killing me instantly! That would solve a lot of problems . . .

  2. Wil

    Man, that sucks. I lost a key notebook years ago. Never been the same since.

  3. John Saleeby

    What is a “key notebook”? What the fuck kind of World are you living in? I hate you!

    My notebook is lost. I think my Parent’s new kitty stole it to start her own pod cast. I told my Dad to me know if she asks him to put together a kitty web site.

    “key notebook”? Is that a cat thing? Bastard!

  4. Wil

    A key notebook is where you keep profound ideas of earth changing importance. I’m really the only person alive who would have one.

    I like the font I’m typing in write now.

  5. John Saleeby

    I font my notebook!