Egghead scientists have managed to measure the ethereal component known as being “cool.” What makes people cool? The modern answer may surprise you.

“James Dean is no longer the epitome of cool,” Dar-Nimrod said. “The much darker version of what coolness is still there, but it is not the main focus. The main thing is: Do I like this person? Is this person nice to people, attractive, confident and successful? That’s cool today, at least among young mainstream individuals.”
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“I got my first sunglasses when I was about 13,” said Dar-Nimrod. “There wasn’t a cooler kid on the block for the next few days. I was looking cool because I was distant from people. My emotions were not something they could read. I put a filter between me and everyone else. That, in my mind, made me cool. Today, that doesn’t seem to be supported. If anything, sociability is considered to be cool, being nice is considered to be cool.”

This is, of course, completely insane. Being cool is and should always be about distancing yourself from others. Say your grandmother comes up to you and asks you to help her cross the street; is the cool thing to do actually helping her? Of course not! You scream, “Fuck you whore!” and knock her down on the pavement. Then you take her purse. That’s what being cool is!

The current generation is so misguided.