Years ago, I figured that if I utterly failed to become a rock ‘n roll star (as I have) I would look into selling songs to other musicians and publishing houses etc. That idea popped back into my head again recently and I started thinking about it.
The problem becomes, what genre to write in? Most modern rock music is actually written by the band performing it. Hip-hop and R&B often have external authors, but they’re not genres I’m very comfortable with. Country music is a form that I am familiar with, and is frequently written by someone other than the artist. Thus it seems like an ideal candidate.
However, I’ve spent several nights over the past week watching the country music video channel and have determined that 98% of modern country music is absolute garbage. It’s one lyrical cliché after another atop an endless series of repetitious chords and riffs. It’s music so predictable that only the most lobotomized, brain-dead individuals could possibly find any interest in it.
How does this music get written? I’ve always made it a point to not engage in the disparagement of rural citizenry as often snidely practiced by Metropolitan urbanites, but I suspect the process is as follows: some chaw spitting hillbilly, his shriveled penis still wet with whatever juices lubricate the vaginal walls of a goat, crawls back into his farmhouse and says, “I’ve gots me an idea for a song!” He then picks up his Mel Bay book of basic chords, indiscriminately picks out a few, and then strains his neurons to the point of exhaustion to come up with lyrics vaguely resembling some kind of poetry. He ships it off to Publishers Row in Nashville, and they eat it up with a spoon.
How can someone such as I — one of the great minds of the modern era — force my brain down to the level where it would be capable of producing such pablum? Is it possible to drive a Lamborghini at five miles an hour? Would it be possible for Michelangelo to produce simple line drawings devoid of substance or style? I think not my friends. It is my very greatness that excludes me from writing material that the modern country fan would enjoy.
Writing stuff that you know is garbage will make you crazy. Just look at all those poor bastards writing scripts for shitty TV shows. They’re all very intelligent talented people and they’re suicidal. Thank God for Acid Logic so fucking morons can write fucking garbage that we think is brilliant – It’s GREAT!
There was actually a recent New Yorker profile on a fairly successful sitcom writer/producer — he’s the guy that did 2 1/2 men. And he talked about his early years and his frustration with fellow writers that had this dismissive attitude towards their writing, kind of like “we don’t have to try hard, it’s just a sitcom.”
I was always amused with the “How do they write SNL?” thing.
“Oh my God! It’s Monday morning, the show is on Saturday night, and they’ve only got eighty seven writers!! HOW WILL THEY DO IT!?!”